I thought I knew what to look for before jumping into another marriage. I wish I had this article and paid attention to the signs better. But… I was in love and the third Husband was so perfect.
He was married when we started seeing each other and I was so perfect compared to her:
“Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. ”
He started resenting right out of the gates. He said to me “I wish my life was as much fun as yours. Why do I get the feeling that life with you would be so exciting. ” sadly later it wasn’t so exciting to him but simply added to the resentment:
“Resentful people are so caught up in their “rights” and so locked into their own perspectives that they become completely insensitive to the rights and perspectives of others.”
“After the glow of infatuation wears off, the entitled person will regard his feelings and desire as more important than yours. If you agree, you’ll get depressed. If you disagree, you’ll get abused.”
He was a kind, caring, compassionate man that in his job and his free time did for others. Often times using that as his resentment “I do so much for others I never take time for myself. I deserve this.” He would say. He also used it as a form of superiority. He was better than everyone else because of all he did for others:
“Superiority is the implication, at least through body language or tone of voice, that someone is better than someone else. Potential abusers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem, i.e., they need to feel better than someone else to feel okay about themselves. They need to point out ways in which they are smarter, more sensitive, or more talented than others. This, too, can be seductive in dating, as he will point out ways in which you are superior, too.”
The pettiness, sarcasm, deceit and jealousy were all a part of my daily life from beginning to end. Even friends and family saw the sarcasm and would comment on how funny he was. Mostly at mine, the kids, or someone else’s expense. “How much fun it must be to be with him all the time.” They would say.
Lastly, the rushing. I often felt like he just inserted himself into my life. I liked that he was married in the beginning because it kept him at bay. Just a few weeks into it and he told her he wanted a Divorce. I had to tell him he couldn’t move in with me several times as he complained about living in their house, with his Uncle and with his Parents. He finally moved in just a few months after we started sleeping together.
“One definition of “abuse” is “that which violates personal boundaries.” It is not flattering that someone wants you so much that he does not care about whether you are comfortable. Make sure that any man you become interested in shows respect for your comfort-level, in all senses of the word.”
As he screamed at me for Divorce he called me narcissistic. People around me say I am always and am now playing the “victim”. I stopped talking about the marriage and the divorce and have been quietly working through things on my own as a result. The damage abuse does to you is non repairable. Even if you think you can keep yourself from getting stuck again, it will happen even when you think you are being so careful.
I can’t help but believe that it’s just best I stay on my own and really stick to it this time.