If you have read my last post, I’m sure two things immediately come to mind:
- It was written over a year ago.
- It is great advice for couples.
Yes, I haven’t posted for over a year. I really don’t get a chance to post to the blog often, and also mainly due to the fact that in April of last year (2014) I began to see my Husband and I pulling away much more than usual and given the last post being great advice for couples, I felt awkward about saying anything to anyone (especially on my blog) while going through such a hard time. After being laid off from my job in CA in May and immediately finding a new job in CA, he and I spent some time in Cancun, Mexico rekindling some old passions. But sadly, it was a complete bust – it was clear to me that he was not happy with me. The trip was full of disappointments, anger, and frustration. After our trip he returned to our place in Seattle to pick up his son, and bring him to CA to spend with me for a couple of weeks. I had asked him to cancel their flights (especially since his Father was very ill, and he needed to be with him), but he insisted on flying down.
On July 4th (3 days after they had arrived) he had gotten very angry during one of our usual bike rides over a petty remark on my part, and after quite a flow of anger and resentment over our years together he said he wanted to Divorce. That moment hit me like a ton of bricks. We had both said it many times during our marriage to one another, myself even to the point where I took a job in San Francisco, CA and he stayed in Seattle for 2 years, but I wasn’t prepared for the actual straw that broke the Camel’s back that would lead him to arrive to the absolute decision that day.
As we rode back to the house from our 20 miles out on bikes along the San Francisco Bay, my head was racing. I wasn’t focusing with tears in my eyes and hit a curb and plummeted to the ground. I just laid there not wanting to move. After he encouraged me to go on, I rode the rest of the 20 miles back with a bum arm and my head teaming with thoughts of our life, love, and unhappiness filling my head.
When we arrived back at the house, I told him to book a flight for him and his son to go back to Seattle the next day. I couldn’t bear for them to stay the next week with knowing it was over. I hugged my step-son and told him I was sorry he wouldn’t get to go to NASA the next day, and told him one last time that I loved him and cared about him. We went from ignoring each other to occasional outbursts of frustration until he gathered his son and while heading out the door to watch the fire works said to me “Are you coming?”. My reply was “No” with a hint of confusion as to why he would even ask.
The next morning we went to breakfast, and one last time I picked up the bill for all three of us (no, he didn’t reach for the bill or offer to pay), then I dropped them off at the airport. My step-son got out of the car and hugged me. He hesitated closing the door (a vision in my head I will never forget) and when his Father yelled “Let’s go” he looked at me one last time and hesitantly closed the door. That was the last time I was to ever see him.
Hi Father had gotten better and worse throughout the following weeks and I finally made the move to Seattle to attempt to make the marriage work. I tried calling him, but he refused to talk to me for months, until finally in October there was a text from him with a “peace offering”. We had gone back and forth talking, not talking, yelling, being nice, talking, not talking. With us ending in not talking now after my Family was drug into it and my relationship with my Brother now torn apart.
Divorce is ugly. Everyone will tell you that. Whether they have been through it, know someone that has, or have no experience with it whatsoever – every body knows how hard it is. Even after going through Divorce twice before, and as much as I wanted to several times with this one before, it was still very difficult. I am, however, very appreciative of my past experiences. From the legalities of Divorce to the time and steps it takes for me to be able to heal emotionally, my experience has left it a bit easier to bear.
We met when my kids were in Daycare. My oldest was just 3 years old, and he was the Kindergarten teacher there. The first day we had a lengthy conversation while I was picking up my kids after work, he mentioned Peace Corp and Africa. Despite another teacher mentioning his girlfriend during the same conversation, whom he lived with at the time, we both actively pursued each other. He proceeded to place me on a pedastal. From moments of looking around a restaurant and saying to me “You are the most beautiful woman in the room.” To writing me emails and handwritten letters detailing his desire for me. He even acted out the romantic scene of pebbles on my window in the middle of the night. But in-between the moments of romantic and obsession, there were times I was stood up for dates, and overnights cut short so he could be with another woman. We were later pulled apart while he moved to NY to pursue his Masters degree for 5 years, and I had met, married, and then Divorced another. His girlfriend he lived with went to NY with him and while he proceeded to repeat his lustful pattern of behavior with many women there, she eventually married him and they had a son together.
After he moved back to Seattle we had connected again. I was living alone with my two kids very happily, and he was still married with his son. I was placed back up on that pedestal with emails, text messages, and hand written letters with details of the love and passion he felt for me. I craved and desired the attention after a loveless marriage and wishy-washy divorce. While I was financially stable with a condo in a nice neighborhood and good career, he provided me with everything I craved emotionally.
As time went by and his divorce from his wife finalized, we married. Then down from the pedestal I fell. Soon I became the the tossed aside wife that his wife was before and he lusted for another woman to worship. Anger and frustration grew over his working until 10pm during the week and my draining the finances for a business that wasn’t going to work (of course it’s more complicated than that, but those were the two biggest issues we had with one another). I eventually accepted a position in CA after he insisted I get a job, leaving him with my two kids to finish out the 2 months of school. He resented me for leaving, and especially leaving him with 2 fighting teenagers that weren’t his own. We went through the cycle of wanting to divorce to making up in a few months and eventually worked to make a long distance relationship successful. At times I was very proud at how healthy our relationship was despite the past issues and distance between us.
But in the end, it was just not meant to be. I could save face and say how horrible he is as a man and a Husband, that I am happy for this divorce, that I am better off, and trash his complete character to make me feel better. But the fact is that I didn’t want the divorce and truthfully wanted so badly to make it work. I cared for him deeply, and his son even more than anything. I found out later that he had cheated on me again, which put the nail in the coffin for me. I still am reluctant about going through with the divorce, but know that there is no way he and I could be together again after so much pain and hurt. I would never trust what he (and sadly any man) would say to me to try and build me up. I am sure, in return, that finances and any decision I were to make would be met with anxiety and reluctance on his side because of what I had done to our marriage.
So what I am doing now is accepting the situation and knowing it could not, should not, and will not ever change. Things will never go back to the way they were those first years we were together, no matter how much I wished they could. I fully embrace my life as it is now every day. I am doing things that bring me happiness that I know he would never have approved of. As of this moment I am so happy and fulfilled that my life feels more complete than it has ever before.
I now end each day spending a quiet moment in the evening appreciating 2-3 things that happened throughout my day that I would not have been able to do with him. I am embracing the simple things of getting to be on my own. I have an apartment I absolutely love living in, the companionship of my dog and cat (with the added Hamster I know he wouldn’t have liked), and spend my day with my children outside with our horses.
I date men (outside of my designated booty call) when I have time, but realize, when I do, that I am really not ready. I feel that I am not ready because I enjoy being my own best friend and love the relationship I have with myself. I am hoping that it’s not because I am “ruined” or “damaged” in some way due to my failed three marriages.
I decided it’s time to write about this now because, well, I knew I needed to write about it after my last post on arguing productively, and because the final papers were signed last week which has been a sense of finality for me. I can go days without thinking about him or the marriage without some sort of emotion surfacing. In fact now I go weeks without a thought to it all until I suddenly go “oh yeah…”. I talk about my time while with him without him being mentioned in my stories, and the kids now are truly enjoying being a family of three once again.
Will I get married again? I don’t know.
I want to say “Never again” but I said that the last two divorces and that didn’t hold. It’s kind of like my fear of children. While I am terrified of most, some are OK and some I really adore (like my own). I do know this: I will not allow another man to convince me to change anything about me or my life. I will not allow them to pick me apart or make me feel guilty for mistakes I have made, or decisions I make. I most certainly will not consider anyone but myself and my children when it comes to decisions, and if the man chooses to stick around then it is up to him. While that may not seem fair, unfortunately it is the way I have become. No amount of anger, guilt, or “compromise” from another will sway my decision making or life choices.
At this moment I can’t stress how at peace I am. I almost feel like a broken record, or worry at times that I am saying it so much that I am trying to convince myself that I am happy. But in all honesty things are going very well. If I had one complaint it’s that my car’s check engine light came on today, and money is tight. Oh, and that the movers that brought my stuff up from CA misplaced most of my things and after I did finally get them (from the help of a stranger) I received my jewelry box that was busted open and my Grandmother’s diamonds and jewelry was stolen out of it.
But really – all of that pales to the good that is going on at the moment. I am back riding horses again after 20 years of what I consider “taking a break”. I have lost 40 pounds since the divorce. I am turning my consulting work I have been doing into a full on company complete with business partners and staff. I even have a friend that is buying himself a holistic pet food store (Yeah, a Pet Store) and I am having a lot of fun talking with him about it. Heck, I might even get to work on the website and marketing for it. My relationship with my Daughter is stronger than ever. We talk about life, relationships, friends, and goals. My children and I had a lengthy discussion over the Holidays with them hashing out their issues, and now their relationship has been the best it has ever been (meaning they aren’t trying to kill each other anymore). The horses has allowed us all three to spend time outdoors every day – weekends all day, and weekdays I pick them up after school and spend a couple of hours together. Yup – life is good, and I’m truly enjoying it all!